A New Decade is Dawning

**Editorial note: The bulk of this was written the day before my birthday. I've added some thoughts and the pictures since.  I'll warn you here that it is long.

It's the eve of my 30th birthday.

May 29th and my last day of being 29.

That illustrious golden birthday literally waits just over the horizon.

So how do I feel? Well...not bad.

Pretty great really.

The physical side of that pretty great feeling is due at least in part to the bit of "sprucing up" I've done recently.

--A fresh hair cut, some summery highlights, giving the skin a bit of a golden glow.

--I was gifted a massage and a pedicure - nice to enter your thirties with callous-less feet and painted toenails.

--A few new articles of clothing in which I feel confident and un-frumpified.

--I'm running again - whether or not I'm actually in shape yet, it definitely gives one a sense of health and vitality.

--And of course I have long known that it's ultimately not my physical characteristics that really matter.
So, yeah, on that side I feel pretty great.

On the emotional side...I won't lie.
Since about January there has definitely been a sense of trepidation about what stood looming at the end of May.
But the drama and the trauma has passed.
The accepting and embracing has begun.

And why shouldn't it?

I mean...my twenties were good.

They gave me...

--A college degree.

(I couldn't find one of me actually receiving my diploma - this one with the college pres. will have to suffice.)

--A husband who loves me unreservedly and unconditionally, who knows my heart and doubles as my best friend.

--An adventerous, memory-laden year serving, living, exploring overseas.

--Friends -- fabulous, make-you-want-to-live-near-them-forever friends -- made in Oklahoma, New Zealand, Kentucky, South Dakota and a few places in between.

(I wish I could picture them all here)

--The ongoing enjoyment and thankfulness for familial relationships and friendships that existed way before I turned 20.
--The priviledge of being called "Aunt" -- seven times over. (Soon to be nine, but hey, that'll be in my thirties.)

(My first niece, Karli, at two. She's now seven.)

--A knack, and an abhorrence, for packing -- with eight moves during 10 years (not counting to and from college), it stands to reason.
--A plethora of jobs -- some I liked, some I hated, but I always appreciated the provision and have come to appreciate the areas of growth they opened up in my life.

--A beyond-beautiful daughter who transformed me from woman to Mother and wrote a new definition for  love in the dictionary of my heart.

--A pastor who also happens to be my husband -- a sacred experience; the mysteries of which I'm still grapling to understand.
--A son (that mere word -a simple noun, but a noun that denotes a relationship that now exists for me- makes me smile) who is a daily delight and further evidence that my heart can indeed go on living outside my body.

--The ongoing blessing of being pursued and loved by the God of the universe.

I know myself so much better here at the end of my twenties than I did at the beginning.
I know that...
--My favorite drink is water. I know. It's plain. It's boring. But there is seriously not a drink I enjoy more. It's also free. And readily available.

--I don't like coffee. I wish I did. I think the coffee-culture is cool.
--I don't cook because I love it, but much more out of the necessity of feeding my family.
--I love Fall and it always arrives with an intense desire to attend a football game, but Spring probably tops the list as my favorite season because it seems to rescue my soul each year.

--My home is important to me, and no matter where it is, big or small, old or new, nice or hidious, I need it to be a reflection of me.
--I enjoy creating (and DIY projects). I need to create. I'm trying to make sure I heed that need more often.
--My creativity begets more creativity. I like that cycle.
--I frequently get too attached to my creations. Or, in the alternative, I harshly critique it every time I see it.

(I always liked Lilyanna's room in our house in KY. I "created" a lot of the things in there myself. I found beauty in it. I thought it was a reflection of me and of my love for her. I'm still working to get my house here to that point!)

--I am a slow decision maker.
--For that matter, I'm just slow. I run behind. I blame it on genetics. Don't know if that's really possible or not. But I'm slow getting ready in the morning, slow getting every one out the door when trying to leave, slow getting chores done, slow getting meals fixed, slow getting things in the mail, slow following through on good intentions. Blog updates get posted way later than when they are mentally created. This whole realm continually disappoints me. I, however, did not run behind when it came to giving birth to my children. They were both early. This probably says more about them than me. Maybe they avoided the gene. I hope so.
--I like working with others. Not in the traditional school-sense of the term, but I maintain momentum and motivation at a much greater rate if someone else is doing the same or similar thing within my proximity. (Ex., when my husband pitches in with cleaning up the house, when a friend is slapping paint on walls with me, when my mom visits and works in the kitchen with me, or pretty much any other tedious, chore-related task. Perhaps I'd really prefer doing laundry at a laundromat!)
--I am so much more comfortable in and appreciative of smallish, intimate-type get-togethers verses large crowd gatherings. I often leave the latter feeling lonely and unknown.

(See, a place for me - and it's sparkling juice, not wine, just in case anyone was feeling all uptight about it.)

--I love feeling known. That someone gets me. Understands my heart. Knows what makes me tick. Wants to know me.
--I know that the above actually occuring is fairly rare. I know to be ok with that. I know to accept that even among those with whom this occurs, there are sometimes lengthy periods of time between those true heart-connections. I know, or at least I'm trying to know, this doesn't symbolize a lack of love.
--I am a pretty good initiator of plans or contact amongst friends. I sometimes get tired of initiating.
--This is because I know I'm a quality-time kind of gal. I love it when someone wants to spend time with me or be around me and it's their own idea. (see above)
--I crave adventure. Even small adventures are satisfactory. When I haven't adventured recently enough it comes out in severe irritation at not having "done anything" lately.

--I enjoy having a plan. I'm not very good at making a plan.
--I resist (or all-out rebel against) subtle (or not-so-subtle) hints about "things I should do" when that suggestion come from sources outside my immediate family.
--I am a detail person. The extent to which I give them and expect them can become annoying to non-detail oriented people. Even to myself at times.
--I'm pretty good at starting projects. Not always so good at finishing them.
--I have a growing desire to experience some form of communal living. (Stop thinking Amish or Waco or colony, that's not what I mean.)
--I don't adjust quickly to change or transition.
--I don't like the sheets tucked in tight at the bottom of the bed.
--I can't stay mad at a cute, dimpled face.

--I am more of a night person. I'd like to convert myself to be a morning person.
--I find great joy in seeing people, particularly my kids, learn and discover and grow.
--I don't handle stress so well. The people closest to me suffer when I am stressed.
--My life is meant to be about ministry. Expending the bulk of my energies elsewhere is unfulfilling to me. Largely, at this phase, this means ministry to my family. Yet, I have a strong and growing desire to be more involved in pastoral care and discipleship-type ministry. Figuring out what this looks like in the context of having very young children is a struggle for me.
--I like to run. I like to run with someone. I used to think I liked to run alone. Sometimes I do like to, but it always seems to hurt more and take longer when I'm alone.
--I can't stand having my toes squeezed together. Or having that crease where my bottom lip and chin meet touched.

So armed with all this knowledge about myself, things I either didn't know, or didn't admit as I entered my twenties, why wouldn't I be excited, even thrilled, to enter my thirties.

So I'm embracing them, and moving confidently into the hopes I have for the next decade.
I hope...
to solidify my prefered taste in music styles and musicians. (If you have suggestions, send them my way!)
my family grows.
my creativity finds more frequent outlets.
that my photography skills improve.

to increase my ability to see beauty in every day.
to learn how to ride a horse. I mean really ride, not just do a trail ride at a camp.

to become a fairly good gardener, at least gain a sense of comfort in a garden.
to lovingly and effectively tend to the souls of my children. To know them at the core of who they are.
to embrace my current phase of life, with all it's messes, monotany, tediousness, exhaustion and laundry piles as the fertile ground for deeper cultivation of holiness in my heart.

to see that newly cultivated holiness change my life and the life of those around me.
to order my life so that more of my good intentions become reality.
to run another half-marathon or two or ten, well probably not ten, but...
to see my family participate in an overseas mission experience.
to love my husband well.
to do something every day that evokes the laughter of my children.
to remain content and awe-stuck with the way my life unfolds and all the rich blessings I witness.

Thanks for sticking with me. This is my heart. This is me.
At 30.

And just for fun, a look at the past. These are my 20th, 24th (the only bithday I've had in winter, as we were in New Zealand), 25th and 28th birthdays.